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Martial arts humor

Intro

Some martial arts humor.

When a martial artists SAYS... What they REALLY MEANT is...

SAYS: Taekwondo is the best martial art style. 

REALLY MEANT: I have only studied taekwondo.

SAYS: Taekwondo prepares you for the street. 

REALLY MEANT: I've never used taekwondo on the street.

SAYS: High kicks are stupid. 

REALLY MEAN: I can't do high kicks.

SAYS: Tournaments are extremely important. 

REALLY MEANT: I'm good at sparring and I win trophies.

SAYS: Don't worry, karate is about building character. 

REALLY MEANT: You'll never be any good but keep trying.

SAYS: Board breaking is not important. REALLY MEANT: I can't break boards.

SAYS: Promotions are not important. 

REALLY MEANT: I haven't been promoted in years.

SAYS: Judo builds character. 

REALLY MEANT: Except for me.

SAYS: He's a good taekwondo instructor. 

REALLY MEANT: He's my instructor.

SAYS: She's a lousy martial arts teacher. 

REALLY MEANT: I don't know anything about her

SAYS: Kicks are more dangerous than hand strikes. 

REALLY MEANT: I've never watched full-contact tournaments.

SAYS: Organization politics are necessary to promote taekwondo. 

REALLY MEANT: I'm an officer in a large organization.

SAYS: I hate the politics in the martial arts. 

REALLY MEANT: None of the large organizations have the slightest interest in my existence.

SAYS: Competitions are a waste of time. 

REALLY MEANT: I've never won any competitions.

SAYS: Forms are the highest expression of the inner essence of our art. 

REALLY MEANT: I can't spar.

SAYS: Forms are useless. 

REALLY MEANT: Bruce Lee said forms are useless.

SAYS: She doesn't deserve her rank. 

REALLY MEANT: I didn't get promoted as fast as she did.

SAYS: Size and strength are not important. 

REALLY MEANT: I'm bigger and stronger than average

You may be getting too old for the martial arts if...

• The first and last words that you say every day is "Ouch!"
• The last time you yelled "Kiai!" your dentures flew out.
• Your training partner always begins each move with "Don't worry, I won't hurt you."
• You are two times older than your instructor.
• You think TKD is a stock market symbol.
• When you try the same movement twice in a row, you consider it a workout.
• Your belt and your hair have both turned white with age.
• You remember when dojang mats were stuffed with horsehair.
• Each time your training partner blocks your kick, she says "Did I hurt you?"
• "Do you want a little action?" means "Do you want some prune juice?"
• You are wondering if a walker is allowed during forms practice.
• When you bow, you are afraid of not getting back up.
• Your favorite competition technique is from the form you are presently learning.
• You hate meditation because you keep falling asleep.
• Your favorite combination to use during sparring is Ibuprofen and Geritol.
• You have a favorite sparring technique; you just can't remember it.
• You ask the cute new student "Where have you been all my life?" and he or she replies "Well, for most of it I wasn't born yet!"
• The cute new student asks you if it's true that you met Confucius.
• You are positive that the dojang mats have become petrified with age.
• Your Taekwondo membership number is the Roman Numeral I.
• Your Life Membership certificate has "EXPIRED" stamped across it.
• You remember when uniform pants were worn with thigh length hems.
• Your uniform is older than most of the students in your class.
• You knew General Choi Hong Hi when he was a private.

If martial arts students ruled the world

• After every tournament, the competitors would get a chance to spar with the referees.
• There would be 365 different belt colors, so you could get promoted just for coming to a class.
• Only sports that can be done barefoot would be allowed on TV.
• Brazilian jiu-jitsu students would all develop a painful rash on their backs so they would have to fight standing up.
• The victors in a sparring competition would get to body slam the losers.
• Instead of a beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
• A referee's vocabulary would be limited to "Sejak!" and "Winner!"
• Doboks would be acceptable business attire and everyone would have to wear them.
• The old instructors would become 40 years younger so you could really see how good they were.
• Your opponents would always weigh less than your little sister.

Murphy's laws of martial arts

• The wimp who made it through the elimination bouts on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
• The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
• The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the instructor will be sick.
• The instructor will only use you during demonstrations for joint locking techniques.
• If you must use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
• After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
• After years of training without an injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt testing.
• No matter how many times you take care of it before your division is called at a tournament, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when your name is called.

Ways to bluff a mugger

• Gee, you're the first person that's spoken to me since I escaped!
• Help yourself! I just want to warn you! Since I saw "Papillon," I keep my money in a strange place!
• Beat it! There's a contract out on me, and anybody that's seen with me is as good as dead!
• You're welcome to it! I'm sick and tired of trying to pass these marked bills from the ransom!
• Congratulations! You're gonna be the tenth mugger today!
• Sure, I've got something for you! Where do you want it... in the belly of the head?
• Great! This will give me a good workout for my upcoming title fight with Tyson!
• No, No! You're doing it all wrong! Let an EXPERIENCED mugger show you how!
• That's it! Fantastic! You're exactly the actor I need for my next picture!
• Take it all! I'm dying from a highly contagious disease anyway!
• Okay, boys! Our stakeout worked! Come and get'um!
• Oh, God! Please don't let me kill AGAIN!!

Three biggest lies told in the martial arts|

• I haven't trained in a while.
• Let's just spar lightly.
• Oops. I'm sorry.

You know you have been training in martial arts too long when you...

• Say to the salesman in a clothing store, "Nice pants, but I don't think I can kick in them."
• Say "I'm sorry" and then involuntarily bow.
• Go to the shoe store to try on shoes and, instead of walking around the store, you practice pivots, sweeps, stances, and kicks.
• Side kick a malfunctioning cold drink machine.
• Ensure the left side of your bathrobe folds over the right side and the belt is in a square knot.
• Use kicks to turn light switches on and off.
• Cannot walk by anyone from your school without casually exchanging a flurry of mock strikes and kicks.
• Leap to your feet and kick while watching "Kung Fu," "Walker, Texas Ranger," and "Highlander" at home.
• Find yourself practicing staff techniques in miniature with your pencil during dull meetings.
• Try to back fist the correct floor button on the inside of the elevator, based on your memory of the button's location, before you get in far enough to see it.
• Never stand with your arms crossed or with your hands in your pockets.
• Keep at least one martial arts weapon by your bed when you sleep.
• Have the urge to bow every time you enter or leave a room.
• Accidentally call teachers "sabum."
• Find yourself practicing stances while standing in line.
• Have occasional delusions of sparring adequacy.

Types of students you may see in your martial arts class

• Questioner. One who is always asking "What if...?" when learning new techniques.
• Slacker. One who sucks the spirit out of a class.
• Interpreter. One who feels the need to explain the instructor's instructions to classmates.
• Whacker. One who feels the need to make drills more realistic by striking hard enough to cause bruises.
• Ostrich. One who seems to have his or her head in the sand. Never seem to notice things that need to be done while class is cleaning the dojang.
• Color belt assistant instructor. One who, after training for only a short time, feels the need to critique the techniques of fellow students.
• Vince Lombardi wannabe. One who believes that a good offense is the best defense. Constantly attacks training partners at full speed creating confused and disgruntled students.
• Whiner. One who is always saying "but that huuuuurts!" "I need to sit this one out," and "that's too hard!" during partner drills and sparring.
• Tough man/woman. One who can take ANY technique and "tough it out." According to this student, pressure points and locks do not work because he or she can take the pain.
• Cross-trainer. One who says, "that's not the way we did it in my last school" or, "my last instructor said that was a stupid way to block."
• Primal male. One who feels women simply cannot do techniques that would be effective against a man because they are smaller, weaker, etc...
• Mouth. One who continues talking, even while the instructor is telling him or her to be quiet.
• Clueless. One who is constantly doing everything wrong.
• Directionless. One who does not know right from left.
• Macho newbie. One who is big and strong, knows it, and is always using it.
• Macho old-timer. One who is big and strong and has been training a long time. Anyone who betters him or her in a drill will pay the consequences.
• Closet ninja. One who wants the constant reassurance of the deadliness of his/her techniques.
• Teacher's pet. One who wants to be the instructor's 'best' student, but unfortunately can't deal with training in a group.
• Agreeable. One who always agrees but seldom understands.
• I'm-tough-'cuz-I-do-martial arts. One who thinks he or she's tough, but constantly complains anytime someone makes contact.
• Glass menagerie. One who thinks that they should be able to learn how to fight without ever falling, getting bruised, or otherwise experiencing physical discomfort. Never fully commits to a technique, holds back, and typically ends up being one of the first to experience an injury.
• Eclectic. One who has done thirty other martial arts for one class apiece. Is just killing time until he or she can create a new martial art.
• Zen. One who has read every book or article ever written on Zen and martial arts. Fond of expounding about how "X" is not a "real martial art" because it lacks a "spiritual component."
• Practical. One who is the opposite of Zen. Dismisses many "-do" martial art styles because they "aren't practical" have "all that spirituality" or are "just sports."
• Ogler. One who is busy ogling at the opposite sex (or the same sex), instead of paying attention.
• Drifter. One who comes to class once every couple of months. Completely clueless about the material currently being studied but wants to be promoted.
• Has been. One who used to practice years ago and has now returned. Thinks he or she knows as much as previous classmates that never stopped training and uses too much force to prove it.

Helpful conversions

• Two wharves = one paradox
• Half of a large intestine = one semicolon
• 100 grams of wet socks = one literhosen
• The time between slipping on a peel and falling = one bananosecond

What do...

• What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?  Dam!
• What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk
• What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese
• What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quattro sinko.

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