How to fail
- Never clean your equipment. Train every night but only wash your uniform on weekends. At a judo tournament, before my match even began, I once had a referee shake a bottle of Old Spice over the uniform of my opponent. He still stunk, but it was a sweet stink. To succeed: Wash your uniform after every workout. Wipe down your sparring equipment regularly. When using training equipment, wipe it down before and after using it.
- Be an internet warrior. Ground and pound on the internet. Act tough, criticize. and attack every other martial art style, be inconsiderate, reject logic and reason, curse and YELL, and show everyone how tough you are. To succeed: Be a real martial artist.
- Always maintain a game face. Pleasantries are for the weak. Do not shake hands or say hello when you come class. Sit in a corner by yourself and wallow in your greatness. Be sure to scowl so that everyone knows how bad you are. To succeed: Smile, be friendly, and enjoy being around others of a like mind.
- Lie. Do not worry about rank, you can get all the belts and certificates you need online. Exaggerate your rank, experience, education, tournament success, and job. When questioned, lie or be vague. To succeed: Be truthful and accept your place in the hierarchy.
- Critique everyone's technique. Always find fault with the techniques of others. To succeed: Ask others to critique your techniques.
- Bleed. Blood is the sign of a warrior; bandages are for wimps. When injured in class, bleed over everything and everybody. To succeed: Immediately seek first aid for bleeding.
- Skip warm-ups. Come late to class so you miss the warm-ups. This way you will look fresher and have more energy to beat up other students during sparring. To succeed: Perform all aspects of class to the max.
- Skip classes. Especially sparring classes or breaking classes. Come to class once a week and then complain when you do not get promoted. To succeed: Come to class as often as possible.
- Go Neanderthal. Never trim or clean your nails. Too bad if others get cut or scratched. To succeed: Be a homo sapien, keep your nails clean and trimmed.
- Always spar as if your life was at stake. Block hard, hit hard, and show no mercy. To succeed: Class sparring is a learning experience for both participants. Demonstrate your expertise but let others do the same.
- Never pay on time. Make excuses and delaying paying dues for as long as possible. Maybe the school will have enough income that will forget about you not paying. To succeed: Pay what you agreed to pay when you agreed to pay it
- Talk while sparring. Talk continuously about everything. This will make you seem like an expert, slow the action so you will not get tired, and keep the opponent off his or her game. To succeed: Keep your mouth shut and let your skill do the talking.
- Be a lemming. Do what everybody else is doing. If they are teasing someone, join in. If they are sparring too hard, join in. If they are breaking a rule, join in. To succeed: Do what is right and help ensure everyone else does too.
- Do not help other people. If a fellow student is doing something wrong, ignore it; it just makes you look even better. To succeed: Help ensure everyone succeeds.
- Get angry. If someone accidentally hits you during sparring, get angry and tell them that if that is the way they want to spar then you will do the same. To succeed: Accept that mistakes happen and get back to sparring.