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Points to ponder

Intro

Some things to think about

Points

• Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin? 
• Why is it that women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? 
• Why do toasters always have a setting so high that it would burn the toast to a crisp? 
• Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer? 
• Why don't you ever see the headline: 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? 
• Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? 
• Why do doctors call what they do 'practice'? 
• Why do you have to click on 'Start' button to stop 'Windows'? 
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, while dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons? 
• Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food? 
• Who tastes dog food to ensure it has a 'new & improved' flavor? 
• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but they don't point to their butt when they ask where the bathroom is located? 
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! 
• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 
• If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress? 
• How can the professor on Gilligan's Island make a radio out of a coconut, but can't he fix a hole in a boat? 
• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? 
• What do you call male ballerinas? 
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 
• Why do the 'Alphabet Song' and 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' have the same tune? 
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 
• Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass? 
• Why it is when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? 
• How come we put a man on the moon before realizing it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases? 
• Why do brain cells come and go, but fat cells are forever? 
• How important does someone have to be before they can be 'assassinated' rather than just plain 'murdered'? 
• Why is 'phonetically' is spelled with a 'ph'? 
• Why does a round pizza gets delivered in a square box? 
• Why do people say they 'slept like a baby', when babies normally wake up every two hours? 
• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead? 
• What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag? 
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet? 
• Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? 
• Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? 
• Why do they use sterilized needles for a lethal injection? 
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? 
• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? 
• Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 
• How come we choose from just two people to run for president but need 50 to choose from for Miss America? 
• If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it? 
• Do married people live longer than single people or does it only seem longer? 
• Why don't women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans? 
• Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? 
• If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? 
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? 
• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live. 
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was and she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 
• Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? 
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 
• Is there another word for synonym? 
• Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? 
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might clean them? 
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 
• One nice thing about egotists:  they don't talk about other people. 
• What was the best thing before sliced bread? 
• To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. 
• Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 
• The older you get the better you realize you were. 
• Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 
• Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 
• Women like silent men. They think they are listening. 
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat all day and drink beer. 
• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? 
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 
•  If work is so terrific, how come they must pay you to do it? 
• If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 
• If you try to fail and you succeed, which have you done?  
• Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?
• Can I yell 'movie' in a crowded firehouse? 
• How do a fool and his money GET together? 
• Why does Hawaii have interstate highways? 
• How is it that a building burns up as it burns down? 
• If a train station is where the train stops, what is a workstation? 
• If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan? 
• Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds' fee on money they already know you don't have? 
• If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to? 
• What are Preparations A through Preparation G? 
• How come there aren't B batteries?
• How do 'Do not walk on the grass' signs get there?
• Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars? 
• How is it possible to have a civil war? 
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 
• Crime doesn't pay, does that mean that my job is a crime? 
• How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others? 
• How do you throw away a garbage can? 
• How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold? 
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? 
• If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? 
• If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? 
• What happens to an 18-hour bra after 18 hours? 
• Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8? 
• Why is it that night falls but day breaks? 
• Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day? 
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? 
• What happened to the first 6 'ups'? 
• Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? 
• Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? 
• What's another word for thesaurus? 
• Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? 
• If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? 
• Why is the word abbreviation so long? 
• After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? 
• Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs? 
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 
• Does the little mermaid wear an algebra? 
• How can there be self-help groups? 
• How come you never hear about grunted employees? 
• How do you tell if you run out of invisible ink? 
• 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? 
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? 
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 
• If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? 
• If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? 
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 
• If people from Poland are called 'Poles,' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?' 
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, 'Quit while you're ahead'? 
• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made from the stuff? 
• If the singular of geese is goose, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called Portugoose? 
• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? 
• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? 
• What do people in China call their good plates? 
• What do you call a male ladybug? 
• What happens when none of your beeswax? 
• What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free? 
• What is the protocol if the package says, 'Open somewhere else'? 
• What is the speed of dark? 
• When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to? 
• When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away? 
• Which is the other side of the street? 
• Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite? 
• Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't have a row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? 
• Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 
• Why do psychics have to ask your name? 
• Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays? 
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 
• Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns? 
• Why does your nose run, and your feet smell? 
• Why don't they call mustaches 'mouthbrows'? 
• Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike? 
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? 
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? 
• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio? 
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 
• Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it? 
• What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane? 
• If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight? 
• Hermits have no peer pressure. 
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 
• Why is common sense so uncommon? 
• Why are there flotation devices instead of parachutes on an airplane? 
• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? 
• Why do we label underwear as a pair? 
• Why do old women dye their hair blue? 
• Why do they report power outages on TV? 
• Why do tugboats push their barges? 
• Sooner or later doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? 
• What is the purpose of that little ball on top of the flagpole? 
• If a vampire cannot see himself in a mirror, why is his hair always so neat? 
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? 
• Why do men's bicycles have crossbars? 
• If you keep trying to prove Murphy's law, will something go wrong? 
• Are people born stupid or do they have to work at it? 
• How can someone draw a blank? 
• Why are movie theaters always so cold? 
• Why do you often see one shoe lying on the side of the street? 
• Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? 
• Why do old men wear their pants higher than young men do? 
• Why do they say new and improved? It cannot be new if it was improved, can it? 
• Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn’t they already know it? 
• Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? 
• How does Elmo hear when he has no ears? 
• Why do people look up when they think? 
• Does a fish get cramps after eating? 
• Why do doughnuts have holes? 
• Why are cows milked from the right side? 
• Can fat people go skinny-dipping? 
• Why did God give men nipples? 
• Why isn't 'palindrome' spelled the same way backward? 
• Why do you have a hot water heater when you don't need to heat hot water?  
• Why do phone companies give you a number to call if your phone does not work? 
• Why does an alarm clock 'go off' when it BEGINS ringing? 
• If a person kills their clone is it murder or suicide? 
• Why are they called stands when they are made for sitting? 
• If vegetarians eat vegetables what do humanitarians eat? 
• Why are toilet flush handles on the left side? 
• What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon? 
• Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic? 
• Why don't more psychics win the lottery? 
• What was the best thing before sliced bread? 
• Why is it when to planes almost hit each other it is called a near miss? Shouldn't it be called a near hit? 
• Why can't you find fresh sardines in a fish market? 
• What do little birdies see if they get knocked unconscious? 
• Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they oversee everything outdoors? 
• Why do bananas grow upward, and all other fruits grow downward? 
• Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing? 
• Why don't I need my glasses to see clearly in my dreams? 
• Why does a clown pop out when a jack-in-the-box toy plays 'Pop Goes the Weasel? 
• Can a ventriloquist talk with his dentist while his teeth are being worked on? 
• Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? 
• Why does 'cleave' mean both ‘split apart’ and ‘stick together’? 
• Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? 
• Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? 
• Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? 
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? 
• Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game’ when we are already there? 
• Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? 
• Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after? 
• Why is it called 'after dark’ when it is really after light? 
• If car manufacturers what to increase the fuel mileage of their vehicles, why don't they use the 100 mpg carburetors that gas companies supposedly bought the patents for and then suppressed for decades? The patents must have surely expired by now. 

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