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Verbal self-defense

Intro

Sometimes conflict may be a battle of words, rather than blows. To be a warrior, you must be able to defend yourself both ways. Here are some insults and comebacks from some of the best verbal warriors.

Comebacks

  • A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
  • Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
  • Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing.
  • Don't let your mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own.
  • He always finds himself lost in thought - it's unfamiliar territory.
  • He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
  • There but for the grace of God, goes God. -- Winston Churchill
  • There goes the famous good time that was had by all. -- Bette Davis
  • They don't hardly make 'em like him anymore - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway. -- Hunter S. Thompson
  • Thou lumpish earth-vexing fustilarian. -- William Shakespeare
  • Thou mammering half-faced measle. -- William Shakespeare
  • Timid? As timid as a buzz saw. -- George Ells (about Hedda Hopper)
  • To err is Truman. -- A popular joke in 1946
  • To those she did not like . . . she was a stiletto made of sugar. -- John Mason Brown (about Dorothy Parker)
  • Useless as a pulled tooth. -- Mary Roberts Rinehart
  • Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark Twain
  • We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
  • Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly, slowly in the wind. -- John Ehrlichman
  • What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement. -- Fred Allen
  • What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You! -- from Murphy Brown
  • You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.
  • He hadn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde
  • What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank. -- Liberace
  • When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry - for the clothes. -- Josh Billings
  • I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it works.
  • I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
  • He does the work of three men: Larry, Curly & Moe.
  • I'll bet he opens the post with that nose!
  • I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.
  • Is that your nose, or are you eating a banana?
  • The next time you shave, could you stand an inch or two closer to the razor, please?
  • This person is, without doubt, the worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe.
  • Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.
  • She's so ugly, when she was a little girl, they had to put a pot roast in their lap so the dog would play with her. 
  • How can you love nature, when it did that to you?
  • Hey, don't you need a license to be that ugly?
  • Every girl has the right to be ugly, but I'm afraid you've abused the privilege.
  • See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome. I feel very sorry for you because you are so ugly, but I feel even sorrier for myself because I have to look at you.
  • If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.
  • If I were as ugly as he is, I wouldn't say hello to people, I'd say boo!
  • I've hated your looks from the very start they gave me.
  • I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
  • People clap when they see you; they clap their hands over their eyes.
  • When he fell out of the ugly tree, boy did he hit every branch on the way down.
  • You have a face only a mother could love, and even she hates it!
  • He has the perfect weapon against muggers, his face!
  • You're so ugly when you went to the haunted house, they offered you a job.
  • You're so ugly, you almost look like your mother did, before the operation.
  • Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. Your body is damned ugly, too.
  • You are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
  • Grasp your ears firmly and pull; you might just be able to remove your head from your ass.
  • I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
  • Before you came along, we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
  • Don't feel bad, a lot of people have no talent, and you're most of them!
  • I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
  • Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
  • Fine words! I wonder where you stole them. -- Jonathan Swift
  • You tweachewous miscweant! -- Elmer Fudd
  • Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already, without your putting in so much effort to give us another?
  • He has depth, but only on the surface. Deep down inside, he is shallow.
  • I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
  • Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
  • You are such a smartass, I bet you could sit on a tub of ice cream and tell me what flavor it is.
  • If I want any shit from you, I'll squeeze your head. 
  • Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
  • Breathe the other way, please. Your opinions are bleaching my hair.
  • There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
  • You are so dishonest; I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!
  • I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
  • You are the kind of person who, when someone first meets you, they don't like you. But when they get to know you better, they hate you.
  • You have a nasty speech impediment.... your foot.
  • You must have a low opinion of people if you think they are your equal.
  • You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now I see that you are just the opposite - you are obnoxious and arrogant.
  • You have got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food again on the way down.
  • I hear you changed your mind at last! What did you do with the diaper?
  • After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incestuous rape.
  • Your ancestors must number in the thousands. It's really hard to understand how so many people can be to blame for producing something like you.
  • A curse on you, and may the curse be that you remain what you are.
  • All that you are, you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them some used toilet-roll and get back in credit with them?
  • Your parents are siblings, right?
  • You should learn from your parents' mistakes - get sterilized now!
  • The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.
  • You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion - and now she believes in infanticide.
  • It's good to see you're here with your charming sister-cousin-mother-wife, Billy-Jo.
  • The terrifying power of the human sex drive is horrifically demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
  • Hey, weren't you the poster child for birth control?
  • You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer, and you came along.
  • I bet your mother's bark is worse than her bite!
  • Tell me, did your parents have any children that lived?
  • Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.
  • As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
  • Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
  • She'd steal the straw from her mother's kennel.
  • Hi! I'm a human! What are you?
  • I heard you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
  • I heard somewhere that your brother was an only child. Now I see it's true.
  • When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a dreadful mistake.
  • know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
  • I would ask you how old you are, but I reckon you can't count that high.
  • I would have like to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
  • If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
  • If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be stupid.
  • I'm blonde. What's your excuse?
  • I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
  • She has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
  • Sit down, give your mind a rest - it needs it.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but it looks like this guy just gargled
  • Some folks are so dumb, they have to be watered twice a week.
  • That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
  • When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
  • Whom am I calling 'stupid'? Good question. I don't know. What is your name?
  • Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
  • Your verbosity is exceeded only by your total stupidity.
  • I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
  • Pardon me, but you're mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
  • I worship the ground that awaits your corpse.
  • You're a habit I'd like to kick—with both feet.
  • I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but the hate that I feel for you is the real thing.
  • You remind me of the ocean - you make me sick.
  • I'd like to give you a going-away present.... First, you do your part.
  • Don't thank me for insulting you - it was a pleasure.
  • You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
  • I know you couldn't live without me, so I'll pay for the funeral.
  • Well, I'll see you in my dreams—if I eat too much cheese.
  • I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
  • You are not even beneath my contempt.
  • I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit for the one thing you've done yourself?
  • I thought of you today. I was at the zoo.
  • Someone said that you were not fit to screw pigs the other day. I stuck up for you, though. I told them you were.
  • I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
  • He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. -- Abraham Lincoln
  • If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
  • It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • You fill a much-needed gap.
  • But as he knew no bad language, he had called him all the names of common objects that he could think of and had screamed: "You lamp! You towel! You plate!" and so on. -- Sigmund Freud
  • A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Winston Churchill
  • Don't be so humble, you're not that great. -- Golda Meir
  • A sophisticated rhetorician inebriated with the exuberance of his verbosity. -- Benjamin Disraeli
  • A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster. -- Earl Long
  • A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits. -- Alexander Pope
  • Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite sameness. -- David Shipman
  • Always willing to lend a helping hand to the one above him. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald (about Ernest Hemingway)
  • Being attacked by him is like being savaged by a dead sheep. -- Dennis Healy
  • Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you. -- Groucho Marx
  • End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
  • Every time I look at you, I get a fierce desire to be lonesome. -- Oscar Levant
  • Failure has gone to his head. -- Wilson Mizner
  • Gee, what a terrific party. Later on, we'll get some fluid and embalm each other. -- Neil Simon
  • God was bored by him. -- Victor Hugo
  • May the fleas of a thousand camels inhabit your crotch.
  • He's completely unspoiled by failure. -- Noel Coward
  • He's liked, but he's not well liked. -- Arthur Miller
  • He's the kind of man who picks his friends—to pieces. -- Mae West
  • He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms. -- Mamie Van Doren (about Warren Beatty)
  • He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head. -- Margot Asquith
  • He can't help it - he was born with a silver foot in his mouth. -- Ann Richards (about George Bush)
  • He could never see a belt without hitting below it. -- Margot Asquith
  • He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner. -- Johnny Carson (about Chevy Chase)
  • He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating. -- Ayn Rand
  • He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it. -- T.S. Eliot (about Henry James)
  • He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser. -- George C. Scott
  • He had delusions of adequacy. -- Walter Kerr
  • He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. -- Winston Churchill
  • He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty. -- Thomas P. Gore
  • He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. -- Oscar Wilde
  • He has no more backbone than a chocolate ├ęclair. -- Theodore Roosevelt
  • He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul. -- David Lloyd George
  • He has the attention span of a lightning bolt. -- Robert Redford
  • He has the lucidity which is the by-product of a fundamentally sterile mind. -- Aneurin Bevan (about Neville Chamberlain)
  • He has turned almost alarmingly blond - he's gone past platinum; he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth. -- Pauline Kael (about Robert Redford)
  • He has Van Gogh's ear for music. -- Billy Wilder
  • He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him. -- Eddie Cantor
  • He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front. -- Leonard Louis Levinson
  • He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. -- Andrew Lang
  • He is a self-made man who worships his creator. -- John Bright
  • He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright. -- Samuel Butler
  • He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong. -- Benjamin Disraeli
  • He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Victor Borge
  • He was humane but not human. – E. E. Cummings (about Ezra Pound)
  • He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met. -- William Faulkner
  • He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them. -- Charles Kingsley
  • He was so crooked; you could have used his spine for a safety-pin. -- Dorothy L. Sayers
  • He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. -- Molly Irvins
  • He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes. -- Fred Allen
  • He was trying to save both his faces. -- John Gunther
  • He writes his plays for the ages--the ages between five and twelve. -- George Nathan (about George Bernard Shaw)
  • He'd make a lovely corpse. -- Charles Dickens
  • He's a full-fledged housewife from Kansas with all the prejudices. -- Gore Vidal (about Truman Capote)
  • Her body has gone to her head. -- Barbara Stanwyck (about Marilyn Monroe)
  • Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. -- Woody Allen
  • Her only flair is in her nostrils. -- Pauline Kael
  • Her skin was white as leprosy. -- S. T. Coleridge
  • Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed. -- Ralph Novak
  • His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open. -- Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)
  • His face was filled with broken commandments. -- John Masefield
  • His features resembled a fossilized wash rag. -- Alan Brien
  • His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams
  • His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere. -- Mark Twain
  • His ignorance is encyclopedic. -- Abba Eban
  • His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it. -- F. H. Bradley
  • His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it. -- Heywood Braun
  • His mind was like a soup dish, wide and shallow; it could hold a small amount of nearly anything, but the slightest jarring spilled the soup into somebody's lap. -- Irving Stone (about William Jennings Bryan)
  • His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. -- Mae West
  • His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin. -- John Philpot Curran
  • His style has the desperate jauntiness of an orchestra fiddling away for dear life on a sinking ship. -- Edmund Wilson (about Evelyn Waugh)
  • His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with. -- Charles Lamb
  • I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. -- Woody Allen
  • I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork. -- Groucho Marx
  • I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
  • I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. -- Irvin S. Cobb
  • I am reading Henry James...and feel myself as one entombed in a block of smooth amber. -- Virginia Woolf
  • I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. -- Steven Pearl
  • I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. -- Mark Twain
  • His features resembled a fossilized wash rag. -- Alan Brien
  • His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams
  • His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere. -- Mark Twain
  • His ignorance is encyclopedic. -- Abba Eban
  • His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it. -- F. H. Bradley
  • His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it. -- Heywood Braun
  • His mind was like a soup dish, wide and shallow; it could hold a small amount of nearly anything, but the slightest jarring spilled the soup into somebody's lap. -- Irving Stone (about William Jennings Bryan)
  • His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. -- Mae West
  • His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin. -- John Philpot Curran
  • His style has the desperate jauntiness of an orchestra fiddling away for dear life on a sinking ship. -- Edmund Wilson (about Evelyn Waugh)
  • His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with. -- Charles Lamb
  • She looked like a huge ball of fur on two well-developed legs. -- Nancy Mitford
  • She looks like she combs her hair with an eggbeater. -- Louella Parsons
  • She looks like something that would eat its young. -- Dorothy Parker
  • She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation. -- Jean Webster
  • She never was really charming till she died. – Terence
  • She not only expects the worst but makes the worst of it when it happens. -- Michael Arlen
  • She not only kept her lovely figure; she's added so much to it. -- Bob Fosse
  • She preserved to the age of fifty-six that contempt for ideas which is normal among boys and girls of fifteen. -- Odell Shepherd (about Louisa May Alcott)
  • She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends. -- Harold Nicholson
  • She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B. -- Dorothy Parker (about Katherine Hepburn)
  • She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin. -- Heinrich Heine
  • She should get a divorce and settle down. -- Jack Paar
  • She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled pig. -- Margot Asquith
  • She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake. -- Margot Asquith
  • She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered. -- James Matthew Barrie
  • She was a master at making nothing happen very slowly. -- Clifton Fadiman
  • She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers. -- Alexander Woollcott
  • She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand. -- Saul Bellow
  • She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork. -- Jonathan Swift
  • So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name. -- Alan Bennett
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. -- Oscar Wilde
  • Some folks are wise, and some are otherwise. -- Tobias George Smolett
  • Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others. -- Kin Hubbard
  • Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. -- Joseph Heller "Catch-22"
  • Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week. -- William Dean Howells
  • Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
  • Stay with me; I want to be alone. -- Joey Adams
  • Teflon brain (nothing sticks.) -- Lily Tomlin
  • Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. -- - Moses Hadas
  • That's not writing, that's typing. -- Truman Capote
  • That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting. -- Douglas Adams
  • The best part of you ran down your mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
  • The cruelest thing that has happened to Lincoln since he was shot by Booth was to fall into the hands of Carl Sandburg. -- Edmund Wilson
  • The finest woman that ever walked the streets. -- Mae West
  • The gods too are fond of a joke. -- AristotleThe greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread. -- William Keegan
  • The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind. -- Joseph Stilwell
  • The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes. -- William Shakespeare
  • The triumph of sugar over diabetes. -- George Jean Nathan
  • The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. -- George Bernard Shaw
  • He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him. -- Herbert Beerbohm Tree
  • He is as good as his word - and his word is no good. -- Seamus MacManus
  • He is brilliant—to the top of his boots. -- David Lloyd George
  • The going got weird and he turned pro.
  • The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.
  • He is just about the nastiest little man I've ever known. He struts sitting down. -- Lillian Dykstra (about Thomas Dewey)
  • He is mad, bad, and dangerous to know. -- Lady Caroline Lamb
  • He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others. -- Samuel Johnson
  • He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. -- H. H. Munro
  • He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. -- Paul Keating
  • He is so mean; he won't let his little baby have more than one measle at a time. -- Eugene Field
  • He is so stupid you can't trust him with an idea. -- John Steinbeck
  • He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease. -- Henry James
  • He is the very pineapple of politeness. -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan
  • He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. -- George Bernard Shaw
  • He knows so little and knows it so fluently. -- Ellen Glasgow
  • He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food. -- Raymond Chandler
  • He looked like a half-melted rubber bulldog. -- John Simon
  • He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth (about Calvin Coolidge)
  • He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. -- Forrest Tucker
  • He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds. -- Percival Wilde
  • He makes a July's day short as December. -- William Shakespeare
  • He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously. -- Oliver Goldsmith
  • He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own. -- Margaret Halsey
  • He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money. -- Moliere
  • More comebacks
  • He never bore a grudge against anyone he wronged. -- Simone Signoret
  • He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style. -- Leo Tolstoy
  • He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one. -- Earl of Rochester
  • He not only overflowed with learning but stood in the slop. -- Sydney Smith
  • He strains his conversation through a cigar. -- Hamilton Mabie
  • He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. -- John Ruskin
  • He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts - for support, not illumination. -- Andrew Lang
  • He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold, and sharp. -- Kate Cruise O'Brien
  • He was a great friend of mine. Well, as much as you could be a friend of his, unless you were a fourteen-year-old nymphet. -- Truman Capote (about Faulkner)
  • He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trilogy. -- Mark Twain
  • He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep. -- Dorothy Eden
  • He was as great as a man can be without morality. -- Alexis de Tocqueville
  • I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception. -- Groucho Marx
  • I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion. -- Robert Louis Stevenson
  • I treasure every moment that I do not see her. -- Oscar Levant
  • I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located? -- Ashleigh Brilliant
  • I will always love the false image I had of you. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
  • I wish I'd known you when you were alive. -- Leonard Louis Levinson
  • I worship the quicksand he walks in. -- Art Buchwald
  • I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland. -- Eugene McCarthy
  • If he were any dumber, he'd be a tree. -- Barry Goldwater
  • If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog. -- Joan Rivers
  • If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies? -- Charles Pierce
  • In her last days, she resembled a spoiled pear. -- Gore Vidal (about Gertrude Stein)
  • In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority. -- Ellen Glascow
  • In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. -- Charles, Count Talleyrand
  • Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat? -- Dr. Gonzo
  • It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey. -- Jeff Foxworthy
  • Like the little man on top of the wedding cake. -- Harold Ickes
  • Little things affect little minds. -- Benjamin Disraeli
  • Mind is so open that the wind whistles through it. -- Heywood Braun
  • Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write. -- A. E. Housman
  • Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache. -- Alan Bennett
  • Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth (about Douglas MacArthur)
  • Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
  • No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers. -- Rob Wagner
  • No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he's a dirty little beast. -- W. S. Gilbert
  • No woman of our time has gone further with less mental equipment. -- Clifton Fadiman
  • Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast. -- Oscar Wilde
  • Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid. -- Heinrich Heine
  • Please try not to be such a wiener-head. -- Dave Barry
  • Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life. -- Ivy Compton-Burnett
  • Shakespeare never has six lines together without a fault. -- Samuel Johnson
  • Sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn
  • She's a vacuum with nipples. -- Otto Preminger (about Marilyn Monroe)
  • She's been on more laps than a napkin. -- Walter Winchell
  • She's descended from a long line her mother listened to. -- Gypsy Rose Lee
  • She's good, being gone. -- William Shakespeare
  • She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together. -- John Cantu
  • She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees. -- Joan Rivers
  • She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong. -- Mae West
  • She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression. -- C. S. Lewis
  • She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did. -- Ada Leverson
  • She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. -- Groucho Marx
  • The youthful sparkle in his eyes is caused by his contact lenses, which he keeps highly polished. -- Sheila Graham (about Ronald Reagan)
  • There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. -- Jack E. Leonard
  • When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price? -- David Letterman
  • While he was not dumber than an ox, he was not any smarter either. -- James Thurber
  • If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
  • Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? -- Milton Berle
  • Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. -- P. G. Wodehouse
  • Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? -- Groucho Marx
  • Why, this fellow don't know any more about politics than a pig knows about Sunday. -- Harry S Truman (about Dwight D. Eisenhower)
  • Writers are interesting people, but often mean and petty. -- Lillian Hellman
  • You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. -- Jim Samuels
  • You're a mouse studying to be a rat. -- Wilson Mizner
  • You're a parasite for sore eyes. -- Gregory Ratoff
  • You are so pure in mind and heart, in aspect, too, so mild, I wonder that you ever could implant your wife with child. -- Unknown
  • You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation. -- Irvin S. Cobb
  • You had to stand in line to hate him. -- Hedda Hopper
  • You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you. -- Norm Papernick
  • You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. -- Aristophanes
  • We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
  • You have delighted us long enough. -- Jane Austen
  • You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving. -- David Letterman
  • You really have to get to know him to dislike him. -- James T. Patterson (about Thomas Dewey)
  • You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin. -- Joe Orton
  • You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. -- Groucho Marx
  • Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time. -- Frederic Raphael
  • A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
  • Alone? You are in bad company.
  • Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner.
  • Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
  • Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
  • Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
  • He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.
  • He is always lost in thought - it's unfamiliar territory.
  • I'd liked to give you a going-away present...but you have to do your part.
  • I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
  • I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter but now I see you are not worth it!
  • I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.
  • I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening
  • I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
  • If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
  • If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
  • If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
  • If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
  • Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
  • Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?
  • Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
  • Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
  • So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
  • The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.

Sources

  • Use Wisdom. [Online]. Available: http://www.usewisdom.com
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