Verbal self-defense

Intro

Sometimes conflict may be a battle of words, rather than blows. To be a warrior, you must be able to defend yourself both ways. Here are some insults and comebacks from some of the best verbal warriors.

Comebacks

A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing.
Don't let your mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own.
He always finds himself lost in thought - it's unfamiliar territory.
He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
There but for the grace of God, goes God. -- Winston Churchill
There goes the famous good time that was had by all. -- Bette Davis
They don't hardly make 'em like him anymore - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway. -- Hunter S. Thompson
Thou lumpish earth-vexing fustilarian. -- William Shakespeare
Thou mammering half-faced measle. -- William Shakespeare
Timid? As timid as a buzz saw. -- George Ells (about Hedda Hopper)
To err is Truman. -- A popular joke in 1946
To those she did not like . . . she was a stiletto made of sugar. -- John Mason Brown (about Dorothy Parker)
Useless as a pulled tooth. -- Mary Roberts Rinehart
Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark Twain
We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly, slowly in the wind. -- John Ehrlichman
What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement. -- Fred Allen
What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You! -- from Murphy Brown
You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.
He hadn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde
What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank. -- Liberace
When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry - for the clothes. -- Josh Billings
I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it works.
I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.
He does the work of three men: Larry, Curly & Moe.
I'll bet he opens the post with that nose!
I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.
Is that your nose, or are you eating a banana?
The next time you shave, could you stand an inch or two closer to the razor, please?
This person is, without doubt, the worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe.
Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.
She's so ugly, when she was a little girl, they had to put a pot roast in their lap so the dog would play with her.
How can you love nature, when it did that to you?
Hey, don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but I'm afraid you've abused the privilege.
See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome. I feel very sorry for you because you are so ugly, but I feel even sorrier for myself because I have to look at you.
If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.
If I were as ugly as he is, I wouldn't say hello to people, I'd say boo!
I've hated your looks from the very start they gave me.
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
People clap when they see you; they clap their hands over their eyes.
When he fell out of the ugly tree, boy did he hit every branch on the way down.
You have a face only a mother could love, and even she hates it!
He has the perfect weapon against muggers, his face!
You're so ugly when you went to the haunted house, they offered you a job.
You're so ugly, you almost look like your mother did, before the operation.
Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. Your body is damned ugly, too.
You are not obnoxious like so many other people - you are obnoxious in a completely different and far worse way.
Grasp your ears firmly and pull; you might just be able to remove your head from your ass.
I don't mind you talking so much, as long as you don't mind me not listening.
Before you came along, we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Don't feel bad, a lot of people have no talent, and you're most of them!
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to lie to myself and try to like you?
Fine words! I wonder where you stole them. -- Jonathan Swift
You tweachewous miscweant! -- Elmer Fudd
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already, without your putting in so much effort to give us another?
He has depth, but only on the surface. Deep down inside, he is shallow.
I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.
Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
You are such a smartass, I bet you could sit on a tub of ice cream and tell me what flavor it is.
If I want any shit from you, I'll squeeze your head.
Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
Breathe the other way, please. Your opinions are bleaching my hair.
There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
You are so dishonest; I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!
I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.
You are the kind of person who, when someone first meets you, they don't like you. But when they get to know you better, they hate you.
You have a nasty speech impediment.... your foot.
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they are your equal.
You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now I see that you are just the opposite - you are obnoxious and arrogant.
You have got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food again on the way down.
I hear you changed your mind at last! What did you do with the diaper?
After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incestuous rape.
Your ancestors must number in the thousands. It's really hard to understand how so many people can be to blame for producing something like you.
A curse on you, and may the curse be that you remain what you are.
All that you are, you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them some used toilet-roll and get back in credit with them?
Your parents are siblings, right?
You should learn from your parents' mistakes - get sterilized now!
The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.
You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion - and now she believes in infanticide.
It's good to see you're here with your charming sister-cousin-mother-wife, Billy-Jo.
The terrifying power of the human sex drive is horrifically demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
Hey, weren't you the poster child for birth control?
You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer, and you came along.
I bet your mother's bark is worse than her bite!
Tell me, did your parents have any children that lived?
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
She'd steal the straw from her mother's kennel.
Hi! I'm a human! What are you?
I heard you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard somewhere that your brother was an only child. Now I see it's true.
When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a dreadful mistake.
know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
I would ask you how old you are, but I reckon you can't count that high.
I would have like to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be stupid.
I'm blonde. What's your excuse?
I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
She has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
Sit down, give your mind a rest - it needs it.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but it looks like this guy just gargled
Some folks are so dumb, they have to be watered twice a week.
That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
Whom am I calling 'stupid'? Good question. I don't know. What is your name?
Your mind isn't so much twisted as badly sprained.
Your verbosity is exceeded only by your total stupidity.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Pardon me, but you're mistaking me for someone who gives a damn.
I worship the ground that awaits your corpse.
You're a habit I'd like to kick—with both feet.
I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but the hate that I feel for you is the real thing.
You remind me of the ocean - you make me sick.
I'd like to give you a going-away present.... First, you do your part.
Don't thank me for insulting you - it was a pleasure.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
I know you couldn't live without me, so I'll pay for the funeral.
Well, I'll see you in my dreams—if I eat too much cheese.
I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
You are not even beneath my contempt.
I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit for the one thing you've done yourself?
I thought of you today. I was at the zoo.
Someone said that you were not fit to screw pigs the other day. I stuck up for you, though. I told them you were.
I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. -- Abraham Lincoln
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
You fill a much-needed gap.
But as he knew no bad language, he had called him all the names of common objects that he could think of and had screamed: "You lamp! You towel! You plate!" and so on. -- Sigmund Freud
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Winston Churchill
Don't be so humble, you're not that great. -- Golda Meir
A sophisticated rhetorician inebriated with the exuberance of his verbosity. -- Benjamin Disraeli
A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster. -- Earl Long
A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits. -- Alexander Pope
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite sameness. -- David Shipman
Always willing to lend a helping hand to the one above him. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald (about Ernest Hemingway)
Being attacked by him is like being savaged by a dead sheep. -- Dennis Healy
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you. -- Groucho Marx
End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
Every time I look at you, I get a fierce desire to be lonesome. -- Oscar Levant
Failure has gone to his head. -- Wilson Mizner
Gee, what a terrific party. Later on, we'll get some fluid and embalm each other. -- Neil Simon
God was bored by him. -- Victor Hugo
May the fleas of a thousand camels inhabit your crotch.
He's completely unspoiled by failure. -- Noel Coward
He's liked, but he's not well liked. -- Arthur Miller
He's the kind of man who picks his friends—to pieces. -- Mae West
He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms. -- Mamie Van Doren (about Warren Beatty)
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head. -- Margot Asquith
He can't help it - he was born with a silver foot in his mouth. -- Ann Richards (about George Bush)
He could never see a belt without hitting below it. -- Margot Asquith
He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner. -- Johnny Carson (about Chevy Chase)
He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating. -- Ayn Rand
He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it. -- T.S. Eliot (about Henry James)
He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser. -- George C. Scott
He had delusions of adequacy. -- Walter Kerr
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. -- Winston Churchill
He has every attribute of a dog except loyalty. -- Thomas P. Gore
He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. -- Oscar Wilde
He has no more backbone than a chocolate éclair. -- Theodore Roosevelt
He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul. -- David Lloyd George
He has the attention span of a lightning bolt. -- Robert Redford
He has the lucidity which is the by-product of a fundamentally sterile mind. -- Aneurin Bevan (about Neville Chamberlain)
He has turned almost alarmingly blond - he's gone past platinum; he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth. -- Pauline Kael (about Robert Redford)
He has Van Gogh's ear for music. -- Billy Wilder
He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him. -- Eddie Cantor
He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front. -- Leonard Louis Levinson
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. -- Andrew Lang
He is a self-made man who worships his creator. -- John Bright
He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright. -- Samuel Butler
He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong. -- Benjamin Disraeli
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Victor Borge
He was humane but not human. – E. E. Cummings (about Ezra Pound)
He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met. -- William Faulkner
He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them. -- Charles Kingsley
He was so crooked; you could have used his spine for a safety-pin. -- Dorothy L. Sayers
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. -- Molly Irvins
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes. -- Fred Allen
He was trying to save both his faces. -- John Gunther
He writes his plays for the ages--the ages between five and twelve. -- George Nathan (about George Bernard Shaw)
He'd make a lovely corpse. -- Charles Dickens
He's a full-fledged housewife from Kansas with all the prejudices. -- Gore Vidal (about Truman Capote)
Her body has gone to her head. -- Barbara Stanwyck (about Marilyn Monroe)
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. -- Woody Allen
Her only flair is in her nostrils. -- Pauline Kael
Her skin was white as leprosy. -- S. T. Coleridge
Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed. -- Ralph Novak
His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open. -- Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)
His face was filled with broken commandments. -- John Masefield
His features resembled a fossilized wash rag. -- Alan Brien
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams
His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere. -- Mark Twain
His ignorance is encyclopedic. -- Abba Eban
His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it. -- F. H. Bradley
His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it. -- Heywood Braun
His mind was like a soup dish, wide and shallow; it could hold a small amount of nearly anything, but the slightest jarring spilled the soup into somebody's lap. -- Irving Stone (about William Jennings Bryan)
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. -- Mae West
His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin. -- John Philpot Curran
His style has the desperate jauntiness of an orchestra fiddling away for dear life on a sinking ship. -- Edmund Wilson (about Evelyn Waugh)
His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with. -- Charles Lamb
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. -- Woody Allen
I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork. -- Groucho Marx
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. -- Irvin S. Cobb
I am reading Henry James...and feel myself as one entombed in a block of smooth amber. -- Virginia Woolf
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. -- Steven Pearl
I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. -- Mark Twain
His features resembled a fossilized wash rag. -- Alan Brien
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams
His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere. -- Mark Twain
His ignorance is encyclopedic. -- Abba Eban
His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it. -- F. H. Bradley
His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it. -- Heywood Braun
His mind was like a soup dish, wide and shallow; it could hold a small amount of nearly anything, but the slightest jarring spilled the soup into somebody's lap. -- Irving Stone (about William Jennings Bryan)
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. -- Mae West
His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin. -- John Philpot Curran
His style has the desperate jauntiness of an orchestra fiddling away for dear life on a sinking ship. -- Edmund Wilson (about Evelyn Waugh)
His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with. -- Charles Lamb
She looked like a huge ball of fur on two well-developed legs. -- Nancy Mitford
She looks like she combs her hair with an eggbeater. -- Louella Parsons
She looks like something that would eat its young. -- Dorothy Parker
She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation. -- Jean Webster
She never was really charming till she died. – Terence
She not only expects the worst but makes the worst of it when it happens. -- Michael Arlen
She not only kept her lovely figure; she's added so much to it. -- Bob Fosse
She preserved to the age of fifty-six that contempt for ideas which is normal among boys and girls of fifteen. -- Odell Shepherd (about Louisa May Alcott)
She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends. -- Harold Nicholson
She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B. -- Dorothy Parker (about Katherine Hepburn)
She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin. -- Heinrich Heine
She should get a divorce and settle down. -- Jack Paar
She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled pig. -- Margot Asquith
She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake. -- Margot Asquith
She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered. -- James Matthew Barrie
She was a master at making nothing happen very slowly. -- Clifton Fadiman
She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers. -- Alexander Woollcott
She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand. -- Saul Bellow
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork. -- Jonathan Swift
So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name. -- Alan Bennett
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. -- Oscar Wilde
Some folks are wise, and some are otherwise. -- Tobias George Smolett
Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others. -- Kin Hubbard
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. -- Joseph Heller "Catch-22"
Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week. -- William Dean Howells
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Stay with me; I want to be alone. -- Joey Adams
Teflon brain (nothing sticks.) -- Lily Tomlin
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. -- - Moses Hadas
That's not writing, that's typing. -- Truman Capote
That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting. -- Douglas Adams
The best part of you ran down your mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
The cruelest thing that has happened to Lincoln since he was shot by Booth was to fall into the hands of Carl Sandburg. -- Edmund Wilson
The finest woman that ever walked the streets. -- Mae West
The gods too are fond of a joke. -- AristotleThe greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread. -- William Keegan
The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind. -- Joseph Stilwell
The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes. -- William Shakespeare
The triumph of sugar over diabetes. -- George Jean Nathan
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. -- George Bernard Shaw
He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him. -- Herbert Beerbohm Tree
He is as good as his word - and his word is no good. -- Seamus MacManus
He is brilliant—to the top of his boots. -- David Lloyd George
The going got weird and he turned pro.
The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.
He is just about the nastiest little man I've ever known. He struts sitting down. -- Lillian Dykstra (about Thomas Dewey)
He is mad, bad, and dangerous to know. -- Lady Caroline Lamb
He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others. -- Samuel Johnson
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. -- H. H. Munro
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. -- Paul Keating
He is so mean; he won't let his little baby have more than one measle at a time. -- Eugene Field
He is so stupid you can't trust him with an idea. -- John Steinbeck
He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease. -- Henry James
He is the very pineapple of politeness. -- Richard Brinsley Sheridan
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. -- George Bernard Shaw
He knows so little and knows it so fluently. -- Ellen Glasgow
He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food. -- Raymond Chandler
He looked like a half-melted rubber bulldog. -- John Simon
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth (about Calvin Coolidge)
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. -- Forrest Tucker
He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds. -- Percival Wilde
He makes a July's day short as December. -- William Shakespeare
He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously. -- Oliver Goldsmith
He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own. -- Margaret Halsey
He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money. -- Moliere
More comebacks
He never bore a grudge against anyone he wronged. -- Simone Signoret
He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style. -- Leo Tolstoy
He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one. -- Earl of Rochester
He not only overflowed with learning but stood in the slop. -- Sydney Smith
He strains his conversation through a cigar. -- Hamilton Mabie
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. -- John Ruskin
He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts - for support, not illumination. -- Andrew Lang
He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold, and sharp. -- Kate Cruise O'Brien
He was a great friend of mine. Well, as much as you could be a friend of his, unless you were a fourteen-year-old nymphet. -- Truman Capote (about Faulkner)
He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trilogy. -- Mark Twain
He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep. -- Dorothy Eden
He was as great as a man can be without morality. -- Alexis de Tocqueville
I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception. -- Groucho Marx
I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion. -- Robert Louis Stevenson
I treasure every moment that I do not see her. -- Oscar Levant
I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located? -- Ashleigh Brilliant
I will always love the false image I had of you. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
I wish I'd known you when you were alive. -- Leonard Louis Levinson
I worship the quicksand he walks in. -- Art Buchwald
I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland. -- Eugene McCarthy
If he were any dumber, he'd be a tree. -- Barry Goldwater
If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog. -- Joan Rivers
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies? -- Charles Pierce
In her last days, she resembled a spoiled pear. -- Gore Vidal (about Gertrude Stein)
In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority. -- Ellen Glascow
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. -- Charles, Count Talleyrand
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat? -- Dr. Gonzo
It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey. -- Jeff Foxworthy
Like the little man on top of the wedding cake. -- Harold Ickes
Little things affect little minds. -- Benjamin Disraeli
Mind is so open that the wind whistles through it. -- Heywood Braun
Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write. -- A. E. Housman
Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache. -- Alan Bennett
Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth (about Douglas MacArthur)
Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers. -- Rob Wagner
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he's a dirty little beast. -- W. S. Gilbert
No woman of our time has gone further with less mental equipment. -- Clifton Fadiman
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast. -- Oscar Wilde
Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid. -- Heinrich Heine
Please try not to be such a wiener-head. -- Dave Barry
Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life. -- Ivy Compton-Burnett
Shakespeare never has six lines together without a fault. -- Samuel Johnson
Sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn
She's a vacuum with nipples. -- Otto Preminger (about Marilyn Monroe)
She's been on more laps than a napkin. -- Walter Winchell
She's descended from a long line her mother listened to. -- Gypsy Rose Lee
She's good, being gone. -- William Shakespeare
She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together. -- John Cantu
She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees. -- Joan Rivers
She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong. -- Mae West
She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression. -- C. S. Lewis
She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did. -- Ada Leverson
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. -- Groucho Marx
The youthful sparkle in his eyes is caused by his contact lenses, which he keeps highly polished. -- Sheila Graham (about Ronald Reagan)
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. -- Jack E. Leonard
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price? -- David Letterman
While he was not dumber than an ox, he was not any smarter either. -- James Thurber
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? -- Milton Berle
Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. -- P. G. Wodehouse
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? -- Groucho Marx
Why, this fellow don't know any more about politics than a pig knows about Sunday. -- Harry S Truman (about Dwight D. Eisenhower)
Writers are interesting people, but often mean and petty. -- Lillian Hellman
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. -- Jim Samuels
You're a mouse studying to be a rat. -- Wilson Mizner
You're a parasite for sore eyes. -- Gregory Ratoff
You are so pure in mind and heart, in aspect, too, so mild, I wonder that you ever could implant your wife with child. -- Unknown
You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation. -- Irvin S. Cobb
You had to stand in line to hate him. -- Hedda Hopper
You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you. -- Norm Papernick
You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. -- Aristophanes
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
You have delighted us long enough. -- Jane Austen
You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving. -- David Letterman
You really have to get to know him to dislike him. -- James T. Patterson (about Thomas Dewey)
You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin. -- Joe Orton
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. -- Groucho Marx
Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time. -- Frederic Raphael
A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
Alone? You are in bad company.
Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a partner.
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow.
He is always lost in thought - it's unfamiliar territory.
I'd liked to give you a going-away present...but you have to do your part.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter but now I see you are not worth it!
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving.
I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.

Sources

Use Wisdom. [Online]. Available: http://www.usewisdom.com

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Verbal self-defense

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